UT   …uuuuughh…

UT   …why can’t I think straight… why…?

You're pacing, now. Movement keeps the body busy. If you exhaust yourself, maybe you can tire out all the thoughts running through your head.

UT   …and… and I went through all the trouble...

UT   …preparing what to say…!

UT   …I couldn't... in front of everyone…!

UT   …no... I should have expected as much…

UT   …why did I tell them about the sermon…?

UT   …it always leads to more pressure...

UT   …never enough... never enough...!

IS   ingel, it's okay.

A warm hand on your shoulder. You freeze.

UT   …I-I didn't see you come in...

UT   …you mustn't... you needn't worry...

IS   i have to when you're in this state.

IS   look at you. you're whipping yourself into a frenzy.

IS   you must calm down.

UT   …calm...

UT   …ah... you're right...

UT   …my heart rate... I remember...

UT   …slow the palpitations, and my thoughts will clear...

You close your eyes tightly and focus on breathing. In and out. You feel the clothes on your skin. The hair on your skin. The hand on your skin. It rests heavy on your shoulder, still.

Why is it still there? Is he going to move it? Is he going to do something else? What could he do to you? Could you fight back? Could you resist? What if... what if...?

UT   …Mister Kuum...?

IS   yes?

UT   …could you...?

You feel the weight leave, and your thoughts slow. You take another breath and center yourself.

You remember your name, your role, and what today's sermon will be. You remember who you are, where you are, and why it matters to breathe and be alive. It is pivotal that you are alive, Utari. You have eluded death for as long as you can remember. You must keep going.

IS   how are you feeling?

UT   …

UT   …b...better...

When everything is small and all you have to think about is breathing, being alive feels so effortless.

IS   it's alright. take the time you need.

IS   the world outside can wait.

IS   i can wait, too.

UT   …I don't know...

IS   i’ll wait hours if that’s what it takes.

UT   …

IS   days, even. if that’s what it takes.

UT   …ouughh…

IS   hell, i’ll wait forever if that’s what it -

UT   …st-stop! stop…!!

You open your eyes and turn to him, frustrated.

UT   …that’s too much pressure…!

UT   …don't talk like that, please...!

He chuckles.

IS   i'm sorry. have i upset you?

UT   …no, you…

UT   …uurgh…

UT   …you just say things, in such a manner…

UT   …as if none of this matters to you…

UT   …I don't know if it helps or hurts…

The closer you get to his warm presence, the more you feel the cold at his core.

UT   …sometimes, where you lead me…

UT   …...it's as I can never return from whence I came…

UT   …it's maddening…

IS   ...

All he does is listen and stare.

UT   …but…

UT   …it was thanks to you... that I…

UT   …I could have crawled out of those fiery pits…

UT   …onto the path of salvation…

UT   …so I could never bring myself to... leave you, Mister Kuum…

UT   …you... were the first one to forgive me…

UT   …I owe you that much…

UT   …my own... forgiveness…

Once your words come to a stop, he begins walking towards you.

IS   i am trying to help, ingel.

IS   i'm in this as much as you are.

IS   so, please, share your burdens with me.

IS   tell me what you are going through.

IS   even if that means speaking of how much you despise me.

It's strange, how hearing that lessens the burden in your chest. But the closer he gets, the more it tightens still.

UT   …d-despise…

UT   …it wouldn't do to feel that way…

IS   lying is a dreadful sin, isn't it?

IS   it's alright. i don't mind.

IS   hatred is honest. human.

IS   it's preferable to seeing you in pain, ingel.

Soon, he's right in front of you. He gently outstretches a hand and strokes your cheek. You lean into his touch ever so slightly - just enough to indulge yourself, but not enough to drown in the feeling.

UT   …Mister Kuum…

UT   …you are... truly…

UT   …a most despicable man…

He nudges your head onto his chest. And you lean further in. You inhale that cologne he always wears, the one that smells like winter firewood. It must surely be a vice, to feel so secure in this moment. You grab the front of his robes, tighting your grip enough to scratch his skin underneath. If he feels pain, he doesn't let it show.

IS   do you think you're ready?

UT   …I…

UT   …uugh…

UT   …I need to delay the proceedings…

The rumbles of his laughter jostle your head. But it doesn't hurt. No, he would never hurt you.

IS   i can tell them you aren't feeling well.

IS   conjure up something about a sickness.

IS   then, it'll be cancelled altogether.

UT   …no! C-cancel...?

UT   …I couldn't, it would be…

UT   …I would be letting all of them down…

UT   …they came out here, expecting, and I would be…

UT   …lacking... I shouldn't be caught lacking…!

IS   you're not lacking.

IS   you've been hard at work every day.

IS   i'm sure they'll be fine, missing you just for one.

IS   and i don't mind having you all to myself.

His awful suggestions... tempting you away from your duties, encouraging you to give into the carnal id. If you were stronger, more devout, you could push him away and rebuke such ideas so easily. That would befit a proper archdeacon. That would befit someone worthy.

UT   ...you always make things so difficult...

IS   only because i care.

UT   ...is that right...?

IS   it's what we both signed up for.

IS   sorry, ingel. i can't help but be soft on you.

He places a kiss at the top of your head, then he heads for the door. You reach out, suddenly struck by a jolt of fear.

UT   ...wait...!

UT   ...we don't have to resort to this...!

UT   ...we could... ooh, just 30 minutes, I swear...!

IS   considering the state i found you in,

IS   i'll gladly be the messenger and take the blame.

IS   besides. it's only for the day.

IS   worse comes to worse, you can always ask for forgiveness.

IS   and what god could resist that pretty face?

You despise yourself for not putting up a fight, for the rush of adrenaline you got when he kissed you so thoughtlessly, for the flush that overcame you when he winks and disappears through the other side.

You'll never forgive yourself for spending the entire day with him, for forgetting how horrible you had felt, for feeling every shiver throughout your lecherous body. You pray feverishly the following days, hoping to dispell any lingering traces of the filth. You tell the congregation of how the gods have spoken to you, but in truth, they have long abandoned you as punishment. You can only dream of hearing them again.

Being with him is what you deserve. If he ends up killing you, it would be your just reward.

Wretched, loathsome creature.