UT   …uuuuughh…

UT   …why can’t I think straight… why…?

You're pacing, now. It helps keep you from doing anything... foolish. If you exhaust yourself, maybe you can tire out all the thoughts running through your head.

UT   …and… and I went through all the trouble...

UT   …preparing what to say…!

UT   …I couldn't... in front of everyone…!

UT   …no... I should have expected as much…

IS   ingel, it's okay.

A warm hand on your shoulder. You freeze.

UT   …I-I didn't see you come in...

UT   …please don't concern yourself with me...

IS   i have to when you're in this state.

IS   take the time you need and calm yourself.

IS   you don't have to go out right this moment.

UT   …

UT   …ah... you're right...

UT   …my heart rate...

UT   …slow the palpitations, and my thoughts will clear...

You close your eyes tightly and focus on breathing. Admittedly, the weight on your shoulder isn't helping. Is he going to move it? Is he going to do something else? What could he do to you? Could you fight back? Could you resist? What if... what if...?

UT   …Mister Kuum...?

IS   yes?

UT   …could you... let go...?

You feel the weight leave. And your thoughts... slow.

IS   how are you feeling?

You take another breath and center yourself. You remember your name, your role, and what today's sermon will be. You remember who you are, where you are, and why it matters to breathe, to live.

UT   …

UT   …b...better...

IS   it's going to be alright. the world outside can wait.

IS   i can wait, too.

UT   …mmm...

UT   …I don't know...

You know you have to leave the comforting darkness of this room eventually, into the grand hall of the cathedral. But when everything is small, and all you have to think about is breathing... being alive feels so effortless.

IS   i’ll wait hours if that’s what it takes.

UT   …

IS   days, even. if that’s what it takes.

UT   …ouughh…

IS   hell, I’ll wait forever if that’s what it -

UT   …st-stop! stop…!!

You open your eyes and turn to him, frustrated.

UT   …that’s too much pressure…!

UT   …don't say it like that...

UT   …I think... that only makes it worse...

He chuckles.

IS   have i upset you?

UT   …no, you…

UT   …uurgh…

UT   …you just say things, in such a manner…

UT   …as if none of this matters to you…

UT   …I don't know if it helps or hurts…

UT   …I know you say... you're my benefactor…

UT   …but, sometimes…

UT   …where you lead me... I can't turn around and return back to where I came…

UT   …it's maddening…

IS   ...

UT   …but…

UT   …it was thanks to you... that I…

UT   …I could have crawled out of those fiery pits…

UT   …onto the path of salvation…

UT   …a future, any future, for someone like me…

UT   …so I could never bring myself to... leave you, Mister Kuum…

UT   …you... were the first one to forgive me…

UT   …I owe you that much…

As you spoke, he's been looking at you silently. Then, he walks toward you.

IS   i am trying to help, ingel.

IS   i'm in this as much as you are.

IS   so, share your burdens with me.

IS   even if that means you speak of how you despise me.

It's strange, how hearing that lessens the burden in your chest. But the closer he gets, the more it tightens still.

IS   and i don't enjoy seeing you in pain, ingel.

IS   the other is much better look on you.

He steps forward and strokes your cheek. You lean into his touch ever so slightly, just enough to indulge yourself, but not enough to drown in the feeling.

UT   …I know…

As if emboldened by your reciprocation, he nudges your head onto his chest. And you lean further in. You inhale that cologne he always wears, the one that smells like winter firewood. It must be a sin, to feel so secure in this moment.

IS   do you think you're ready?

UT   …I…

UT   …I don't know…

UT   …perhaps I could, now that I…

UT   …uuugh…

UT   …could you... tell them to delay mass a little…?

The rumbles of his laughter jostle your head a little. But it doesn't hurt. No, he would never hurt you.

IS   i can tell them you aren't feeling well.

IS   conjure up something about a sickness.

IS   then, it'll be cancelled altogether.

UT   …no…!

UT   …I couldn't, it would be…

UT   …I would be letting all of them down…

UT   …they came out here, expecting, and I would be…

UT   …no…

UT   …lacking... I shouldn't be caught lacking…!

IS   you're not lacking.

IS   you've been hard at work every day.

IS   i'm sure they'll be fine, missing you just for one.

IS   and... i don't mind having you all to myself.

His awful suggestions... tempting you away from your duties, encouraging you to give into the carnal id. If you were stronger, more devout, you could push him away and rebuke such ideas so easily. That would befit a proper archdeacon. That would befit someone good and pure.

UT   …

UT   ...is this for the best...?

IS   you call it sloth, but i call it care.

IS   and when you're not getting enough, that's when i come in.

UT   ...yes...

UT   ...you've always been so kind, haven't you...?

UT   ...I don't... deserve any of this...

He places a kiss at the top of your head, then heads for the door.

IS   worse comes to worse, you can always ask for forgiveness.

IS   what god could resist that pretty face?

You despise yourself for not putting up a fight, for the rush of adrenaline you got when he kissed you so thoughtlessly, for the flush that overcame said face when he winks and disappears through the other side.

You'll never forgive yourself for spending the entire day with him, for forgetting how horrible you had felt, for feeling every shiver throughout your lecherous body.

Wretched, loathsome creature.